Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
How actors in movies eat their food
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
That’s easy for you to say
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
man i love columbo
Möther may I have a snäck
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.