Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
You Might Also Like
good work, detective
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.