INTERVIEWER: what is your greate-

ME: mindreading.

INTERVIEWER: … greatest weakness



ME: mindreading poorly

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Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom


(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.


Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.


My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.


SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?


him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far


What I said: let’s cuddle

What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut


I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.


Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.


Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.