Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
i think we should see other cousins
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.