INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Cucumbers Anonymous
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The Onion called it…again.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me