You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG