@clindsaysway

Interviewer: What is your greatest weak…

Me: NO PATIENCE.

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@Juststopkate

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

@daemonic3

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

@samuelhlowe

– Police, open the door.
– What do you want?
– We just wanna talk.
– How many of you are there?
– Two.
– Well just talk to each other.

@dadthatwrites

I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

@seamussaid

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

@kahearstee

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

@TheRealNickKay

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

@briangaar

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa