sugar glider wrangler
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DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green