Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Canada has crack?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.