Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“what that mouth do?” complain
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies