@nyquills

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

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@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@virtualhippie

Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.

@iGreenMonk

A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist

@Kids_kubed

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

@YoungFunE

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

@AngelaEhh

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

@theshamingofjay

I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

@jonnysun

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.