Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.