Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me