Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
it must be school picture day
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My biological clock is wheezing.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Going to church you guys need anything