20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
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“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”
if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life
donut scented perfume
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*