@MomofTeen

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

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@TheOnion

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

@Phook75

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call

@9GAG

“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”

@SSwinal

if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

@Reverend_Scott

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

@MakesYouGiggle

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

@itshotterhere

9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*