Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
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there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.