This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir