Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.