@CAshmanActor

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

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@coolidiot2000

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

@UnFitz

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

@Jake_Vig

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

@lifeisforkedup

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@SSDated

This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.

@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

@TheHyyyype

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”