interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

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[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”


Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.


Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*


Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.


This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.


Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.


[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”