Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?