Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol