Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

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*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*

Hey Finn I bet you shop at

*dramatic pause*

Traitor Joes!!!

*High fives Hux*


Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.


If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.


My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses


I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.


The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”


Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”


They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.


My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.


Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.