@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

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@WilliamRodgers

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@briangaar

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

@AntozWolf

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

@jonny_is_good

Im the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool

@DrakeGatsby

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this