Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
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I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Day 2 of my diet
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Plumber: I think I found the problem
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives