@theSolemnBard

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

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@UncleDuke1969

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

@TheBoydP

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

@truegritrumble

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

@EmSlyce

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

@Samzen_

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

@Shwetangles

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.