Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done