@heymermaid
Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father
@BRENTHOR
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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@heymermaid
@NaomiSeu
5: I fell down the stairs five times! Three by accident!
Me: (stares in mom)
@clichedout
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
@heyitsJudeD
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
@lawking30
I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
@fro_vo
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
@UnicornSyrup
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
@GrantTanaka
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
@copymama
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
@mrgan
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston