men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.