Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’m not alone. I have ants.
doing some research
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M