@SteveSuckington

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

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@jonnysun

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

@VerefiedHusband

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

@acidicjews

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

@alexivenegas_

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@Sassafrantz

I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.