Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.