Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.