INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
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🤔😂😂
Autocorrect is my menesis
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.