INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”