fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
You Might Also Like
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Go hard or stay average
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead