INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
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[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Found my door mat
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion