Can I come inside the house?
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
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*wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?
Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.