INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

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Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!


*wakes up from surgery

How did it go?

Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice


Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes


That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…


[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822


Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?


Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.


Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.


My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.