@whatmaddness

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

@ThaJawn

*wakes up from surgery

How did it go?

Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice

@longwall26

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

@rumandrocks

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

@Ms612

Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?

@GingerHotDish

Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@truegritrumble

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.