Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
🔦🌙👣
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.