I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.