A better name for the Pope mobile would be a ‘Christler’.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?
ME: I’m very self-lubricated
INT: You mean self-motivated?
ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo
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“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”
Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
britain’s three elite institutions
Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING