Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
No chill.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”