Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

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[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up


Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape


Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that


Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!


I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.


I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”


when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming


Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.