@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

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@tastefactory

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

@deankarrier

Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape

@SvnSxty

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

@AnniemuMary

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@coolgrandma98

when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming

@_Water_Baby

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.