@FuttyNudgekins
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
@DaddyJew
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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@FuttyNudgekins
@SkinnerSteven
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
@bummyant
when you kill a whole pizza by yourself
@ItsAndyRyan
Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe
@ThePocketJustin
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
@bestofnextdoor
#polloftheday
@ObscureGent
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
@ArfMeasures
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
@JediGigi
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]