[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The struggle is real.