I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
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This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.