They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
You Might Also Like
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Please do it!
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”