Awwwww shit.
You Might Also Like
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
See..?
.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?