Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.