INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure

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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not


Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?


[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew


(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.


Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?


I don’t want to sound insensitive but I used to dream of the day I would only have to leave groceries outside my mothers door!!