me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?
VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure
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Yooooo you smart Brooooo
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I don’t want to sound insensitive but I used to dream of the day I would only have to leave groceries outside my mothers door!!