I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs