Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
work smarter, not harder
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.