Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Had an epiphany today.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
so weird how every mom was born today