Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people