Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

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Me: All you need is love.

Her: I just saw you mug a grandmother at Wal Mart for an 8-pack of Cottonelle.


Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.


Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.


[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys


You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?


Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena


PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*