Me: All you need is love.
Her: I just saw you mug a grandmother at Wal Mart for an 8-pack of Cottonelle.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys
You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*