@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

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@SouthendNewsNet

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

@Phook75

I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

@crunchenhanced

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

@SheeeRatchet

Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

@rockymomax

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

@Jeeepsta

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes