Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.