Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
You Might Also Like
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.