*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”