i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.