INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

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i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it


Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.


I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.


The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.


Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché


Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser


My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.


*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious


Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.