Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.
ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see