interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

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“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”



Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”


my cousin’s teacher did the “would you die in the Holocaust?” trick with his class. he pointed my cousin out and said he wouldn’t die cause he’s blonde so he could pass as a Nazi. so my cousin said the teacher has brown hair and eyes just like Hitler & now he’s suspended lmaooo


I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.


I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.


Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn’t Instagrammed.


North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.


7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?


Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious


If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them