Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.


I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.


almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday


Sometimes you just need to splash cold water on your face and wander around looking for a towel for the next 4 years


Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?


Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”

Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*

Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”


In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.


[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”