Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Sometimes you just need to splash cold water on your face and wander around looking for a towel for the next 4 years
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”
Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*
Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”