Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Thoughts

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

No one can handle that

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee