INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit