If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA
*catches bus to get home
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP
Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Kind of cruel that “stutter” has two syllables.