INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up



*catches bus to get home


A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.


I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.


My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig


Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP

Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.


If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions