@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

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@bartandsoul

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

@QueenofSparta

OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA

*catches bus to get home

@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

@Bmittone

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

@amandaacheckers

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

@Mr_Kapowski

Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP

Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.

@notmythirdrodeo

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions